


Unlikely Rivals

by Birkastan2018



Series: Guilty AU [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, Guilty AU, Itaizu - Freeform, NaruHina - Freeform, No Uchiha Massacre, Non-Massacre AU, SasuSaku - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2019-10-20 11:57:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17621957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Birkastan2018/pseuds/Birkastan2018
Summary: Sequel to "Guilty"; part of the Guilty AU series. Non-massacre AU, SasuSaku, ItaIzu, NaruHina. Sasuke & Sakura have gone public with their relationship, but that hasn't changed the romantic advances Sakura continues to attract from other men. Then, along comes an unlikely rival that Sasuke finds he really can't do anything about... how will he get rid of him once and for all?





	1. Marvelous Tits

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who messaged and/or provided reviews for “Guilty”. I was so humbled, grateful and inspired by your feedback that I started working on this sequel over the holidays. I hope readers get a few laughs out of this silly piece - it was so much fun to write!  
> _________________________
> 
> Rating: M for language and sexually suggestive content 
> 
> Obligatory Disclaimer: NARUTO AND ALL CHARACTERS RELATED TO THE NARUTO MANGA IS OWNED BY MASASHI KISHIMOTO.

 

"Madara, do you know who I am?"

The decrepit old man's eyes narrowed in disdain. "Madara- _ **SAMA**_ " he spat out, completely unimpressed with whom he was speaking.

Tsunade sighed and turned to her hosts: the Uchiha clan head, his elegant matriarch, his imposing heir, and the dark haired beauty his eldest son was soon to be joined with in matrimony.

Madara's hunched form suddenly straightened in his seat as he barked out, "TEA!"

A nervous squeak was heard from behind the shoji screen of the washitsu where the distinguished group was gathered. The rushed padding of small feet indicated that some unfortunate soul was scurrying to the kitchen to prepare the chanoyu that was so rudely demanded.

Satisfied that his orders were being followed, Madara harrumphed and returned to the scroll that he was "working on" prior to his guests' arrival. He picked up his brush, and continued his unintelligible scribbling as he mumbled to himself.

When Auntie Hitomi returned with the items needed for her elderly charge's afternoon tea service, the members of Uchiha Fugaku's household and the Godaime Hokage all stood to take their leave. But before they could close the shoji door behind them, Madara briefly looked up at Tsunade and smoothly declared in his signature languid baritone,

" _ **Did you always have such marvelous tits?"**_

… before calmly turning his attention to his tea tray.

The horrified Uchiha ladies in the room promptly turned a startling shade of crimson, while their clan head exhaled deeply and looked heavenward. The Uchiha heir's famously stony visage remained as impassive as ever, but for the near imperceptible thinning of his lips.

Their Hokage, however, wasn't affected in the least. After all, Senju Tsunade was a warrior – a legendary Sannin bearing the strength of a hundred seal, and the most infamous gambling addict the village had ever produced.

In other words, she was a bad bitch that had seen some shit in her day, and some old fart with loose screws wasn't going to rattle her. Besides, she'd heard far worse from fellow drunks at pachinko parlors before, so really, this was nothing.

With a snide grimace and a slam of the shoji door with enough force to crack the frame, the Godaime swiftly left Madara's villa and stomped over to the main house, where she was fully expecting to be served the  _good_   _stuff_  for her troubles.

Fugaku didn't disappoint.

Once the Hokage was respectfully ushered into the formal reception room, Mikoto and her future daughter-in-law faithfully brought in a tray of obscenely expensive sakes from Bird Country.

Tsunade's eyes gleamed with approval, to everyone's silent relief. As the Godaime took her first sip, she took a moment to savor the alcohol's exceptional flavor before getting down to business. She nodded to her ANBU Vice-Commander, who tilted his head in understanding and seamlessly cast a silencing jutsu on the room.

Large honey colored orbs sharpened as she addressed the clan head and his matriarch.

"So, you should know that his body's cells are at the tail end of their final mitosis."

Mikoto looked on anxiously. "What exactly does that mean, Hokage-sama?"

Tsunade took another leisurely sip before she continued.

"Human cells only have the capacity to regenerate so many times. While Ojii-sama's life force may have prompted Madara's cells to trigger continual cycles of mitosis, they can't divide themselves any more. All of our testing indicates that his body's tissues and organs have undergone their last regenerative cycle."

" _Finally,"_  Fugaku muttered, drawing a disapproving 'tsk' from his wife.

His heir calmly interposed. "And what may we expect of his ongoing physical and cognitive condition, given this development?"

The Hokage sighed. "Nothing different, really. The synapses in his brain are what they are at this point. As you know, this condition has never had any effect on the neural pathways that impact his relative awareness, memory loss, etc. He'll remain cognitively impaired until the end. And physically, it's a miracle he's been able to live with the unnatural strain his body's cells have undergone all these years. Even though he'll never admit it, without his meds, he'd be suffering. And he'll continue suffering from the same chronic pain and discomfort he's living with now until he passes."

"And when will that be?"

Izumi's eyebrows shot up at her future father-in-law's blunt questioning, but their Hokage didn't miss a beat.

"A bit  _eager_ are we,  _Uchiha-dono_?" She snorted and decided to hell with appearances, as she liberally poured herself another generous serving of sake.

"Look, I get it. He's a  _pill_. But the fact is, that he shouldn't be treated differently than any other hospice patient requiring end-of-life care."

Before Fugaku could interject, Tsunade raised one of her perfectly manicured fingers. "And no, I don't give a rat's ass  _what_ your elders have to say. I'm not going to repeat myself again: his chronic pain is  _ **no**_  excuse to even  _consider_  any sort of assisted suicide measures without his fully cognitive consent, especially if the pain can be managed with treatment and medication. There's a shit ton of ethical boundaries that a consideration like that would compromise, and I won't have it. Not in my village."

Narrowing her eyes at both current and future clan heads this time, she continued pointedly, " _Everyone_  in this village matters. Ornery nutjob or not, his right to life is no less valid than yours or mine."

With that forceful declaration, the Godaime made it crystal clear that those were her last words on this particular subject. Redirecting the conversation with a bit more levity, she quipped,

"So, what did you do with him during Pein's attack?"

Mikoto responded with a shake of her head. "He was escorted to the clan's underground bunker, along with the rest of our children and elderly. We told him his presence was required for a meeting… that he needed to preside over."

Tsunade chuckled, while Fugaku rolled his eyes.

"And your youngest - how are his eyes?"

Mikoto nodded, this time with a soft smile. "Very well, we think. The pain from activating the Mangekyou seems to have all but dissipated. And my Danna and our eldest have not had such clear vision without discomfort in years."

While Fugaku didn't speak, he did grunt in acquiescence.

Tsunade nodded. "Good. It's not just about your kekkei genkai; I've told Hyuuga-dono the same thing. It's about preserving your baseline vision. See to it that everyone continues their regular appointments with Sakura."

Itachi spoke up. "If I may, Hokage-sama. How is it that Sakura-san has been able to reverse the damage sustained to our eyes to this extent? She explained that the treatment she rendered was based upon pre-existing research on our doujutsu, but we have never been able to achieve results of this caliber before through treatment alone."

Tsunade flippantly waved a hand as she helped herself to more sake. "Simple. At this point, her chakra control is better than mine. It's true that the treatment for the kind of eye strain caused by overuse of the Sharingan is well established; it's just that now, she's able to refine her chakra to the point where she can actually differentiate each scorched nerve in the optic bundle and heal damaged fibers internally instead of simply alleviating external inflammation."

Fugaku's eyes subtly widened at this.  _Is that what Sasuke's little pink haired girlfriend was doing?_

His heir murmured, deep in thought, "But, such a thing should be theoretically impossible."

Tsunade shrugged. "So should arresting the systemic breakdown of proteins in the body caused by artificial mutations of select iron compounds, but she managed to do that too, didn't she? It's how she saved the Kazekage's brother… what's his name? The one with the silly face paint or make up… whatever you call it."

Itachi sighed.  _"Kankuro-dono."_

The Hokage's amber eyes brightened with recollection. "Ah yes, that's it."

Mikoto gazed at her husband with a slightly startled expression, while her future daughter-in-law looked on with unmuted awe at what they were all hearing.

"At any rate, back to Madara. I suggest your clan make the necessary preparations. He's at the end of his rope, and usually I'd tell you to keep him comfortable in the meantime… But he seems to have a pretty good handle on that already."

Tsunade cackled with amusement at her own comment, to Fugaku's chagrin. The sheer cost of upkeep required for Mikoto's great-grandfather's lavish one-man household was a source of constant bickering and angst amongst the clan elders.

While he may not have had any awareness regarding his physical or mental condition, or even the current time and place in which he was living – Madara was still  _Madara_ , which meant he demanded everything at the height of opulence. The very best accommodations, elaborate formal dining arrangements, a ceremonial tea service prepared twice a day, the maintenance of his extensive personal koi ponds, private training grounds, and all of the other luxuries and services he had enjoyed while he was clan head. His beloved falconry alone cost the clan coffers tens of thousands of ryou per month.

Fugaku grimaced at the thought.

The Godaime tapped the side of her sake bottle as she considered her earlier exchange with the elderly troublemaker.

"It's interesting what he remembers and doesn't remember on any given day. At his last physical, he affectionately recognized me as  _'Hashi's brat'_  and also referred to me once as  _'omago-sama'_. But I don't think he had a clue who I was this time around… Probably wouldn't have said another word if it wasn't for my tits." Tsunade mused as she took another long sip of her drink, while Mikoto and her husband both choked on air. If the Hokage noticed the corners of Izumi's lips twitch up, she didn't mention it.

With that, the illustrious Godaime chugged the last of her sake straight from the bottle like the badass she was and decided it was time to end her visit. Comfortably buzzed, she left the Uchiha main house nodding to herself.

She was admittedly impressed. If this was the quality of stuff Fugaku kept in his personal stash, she could only imagine what he was going to bust out for the upcoming wedding of his firstborn. Rubbing her hands gleefully, Tsunade told herself there was no way in hell she was going to miss that boy's reception, no matter what buzzkill Shizune had to say about it.


	2. New Normal, Old Headaches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obligatory Disclaimer: NARUTO AND ALL CHARACTERS RELATED TO THE NARUTO MANGA IS OWNED BY MASASHI KISHIMOTO.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

To Sasuke, some days it felt like a lifetime's worth of drama went down in the year since he and his best friend were promoted to the rank of jounin.

Shortly after Naruto and Sasuke's promotion party, Itachi's engagement to Izumi-nee was formally announced. But their initial wedding plans were shot to hell when Konoha was put on red alert over a brutal new mercenary group that had emerged known as the  _Akatsuki._ The Akatsuki was a dangerous band of S-class nukenin that wreaked havoc among the five elemental nations when they began attacking civilian towns and hidden villages alike in search of the Bijuu.

Months of hostile encounters with the group culminated in their leader's wide scale, unprecedented attack on Konoha just four months after the boys made jounin.

To characterize the invasion as a shit show of epic proportions was a gross understatement. But thankfully, it was over and done with. The Akatsuki were soundly defeated and Konoha survived, which was the important thing.

And now, Sasuke had different problems.

These days, the young Uchiha found himself thinking more about all that had transpired in his  _personal_  life since he and Sakura finally went public with their relationship.

He didn't quite know what to expect from their 'big reveal', but Sasuke couldn't really bring himself to care. He knew he had his Nii-san's unwavering support in reigning in any meddlesome clan elders that might try and cause a fuss over Sakura's civilian background. And his Kaa-san had been too frazzled planning Itachi's insane circus of a wedding to overly harass him about his own unmarried status. Sure, Sakura was worried about what Naruto's reaction would be… But surprisingly, the Dobe took the revelation in stride.

" _Teme, you two were the worst kept secret in the village. The sexual tension was through the roof! Who were you guys kidding?! Plus, out of all the slimy creeps always trying to lay it on Sakura-chan, I'm glad it's you. Even though you're a bastard, at least we know you really care about her and will actually be able to keep her safe."_

Their old sensei merely gave Sasuke one of his typically disinterested, yet knowing looks.  _"Why else do you think I got you that volume of Icha Icha?"_

Shisui, of course, also had to throw in his own two cents. _"Sakura-chan is crazy hot – she can have anyone! But she's bumping uglies with YOU? Way to get laid out of your league, chibi grouch!"_

Needless to say, Sasuke did NOT appreciate Shisui's comments - which successfully struck a  _very_  raw nerve. He also did not appreciate how little impact his official status with Sakura seemed to have on the attention she continued to attract from her most shameless admirers.

Which brought Sasuke to the primary source of his aggravation these days.

While most of the infuriating love confessions and requests for dates that his girlfriend used to receive had ebbed out, that didn't stop her more  _tenacious_  aspiring suitors from continuing to send flowers to her office, asking her out for allegedly 'innocent' 'non-dates' over coffee or dessert, or otherwise trying to lay their filthy hands on her when he wasn't physically by her side.

These persistent overtures frustrated Sasuke to no end, but Sakura would always get so mad whenever he did anything about them.

" _Sasuke-kun, you cannot put every other male I have the slightest interaction with in the hospital! Some of them are civilians, for Kami's sake!"_

Just thinking about it gave Sasuke a headache. Seriously, what would it take to get these irritating no-name shinobi and weak civilian males to back the fuck off?!

Shisui sagely advised,  _"Get her pregnant. Most guys aren't into that. I'm not… I don't think."_

**NOT HELPFUL.**

Sasuke was tired of it. While these assholes were sorry excuses for rivals, none the less,  _they were still rivals_. And he wanted nothing more than to be rid of them… every last one.

Sasuke fully acknowledged that most people would find this so called "problem" laughable compared to the horrors of battling a band of dangerous S-class rogue nin armed with tailed beasts. But for his emotionally constipated and romantically inept self, he honestly couldn't decide which was worse some days.

Even if he was less verbally challenged, it's not like there was anyone he could reliably talk to about this without suffering from acute embarrassment. Sakura was the closest thing he had to a comfortable confidante, but his girlfriend made perfectly clear how she felt about his 'over-reactive' and 'unnecessarily protective' tendencies.

And it wasn't like their best friend could possibly understand what he was dealing with.

After all, the Dobe didn't have the same problems with Hinata that he did with Sakura. The idiot didn't have to fend off hordes of creeps on the regular just to ensure that his girlfriend was unmolested in his absence.

And he wasn't just talking about the dickheads at home, either. Take the Fire Daimyo's pervert son, for example - the one who always insisted that " _Sakura-hime"_  perform his physicals when she and Shizune visited the Daimyo's castle for the royal household's biannual wellness exams. Or the Kazekage's stupid face paint wearing ass clown for a brother, Kankuro, who couldn't shut the fuck up about the  _"angel"_  who'd saved his life the last time they were in Suna.

Seriously, the Dobe had it easy by comparison. Nobody was trying to rip that stuttering lovesick Hyuuga away from him.

And, as if being weighed down by the stress of beating off Sakura's adoring male public wasn't enough…

"Sasu-chan!  _Sasu-chaaaan!_ Get down here at once, young man! The tailor is here!"

Sasuke audibly groaned. His Kaa-san was seriously doing her damnedest to drive him up the wall with all of the endless fittings, rehearsals, and other similar shitfuckery he was forced to participate in over the past two months in preparation for his Nii-san's wedding.

Seriously, was  _one_  afternoon of peace and quiet too much to ask for? He'd  _just_ returned home from a two week long reconnaissance mission near Kusagakure with the Dobe and Kakashi. But instead of being allowed to rest after his shower, Sasuke found himself standing in the matriarch's private fitting room dressed in a cumbersome montsuki in the presence of the clan's official tailor  _for what felt like the hundredth time._

Sasuke repressed the urge to glare under his Kaa-san's watchful eye, and couldn't help but think that at that very moment - he'd rather battle the Gedō Mazō all over again than waste one more second of his life being poked and prodded for yet  _another_ pointless fitting.

I mean really, how the fuck was any of this necessary? It's not like  _he_ was the one getting married.

And frankly, how was this the best use of his time? There were far better things he could be doing with his life.

Since awakening the Mangekyou Sharingan, Sasuke entered into another advanced phase of intensive training with Kakashi and Shisui to develop the evolution of his doujutsu when he wasn't out of the village on missions.  And he also started a special joint training regimen with his idiot best friend to strengthen the combination of the Dobe's tailed beast cloak with his recently acquired Susano'o.

And if he wasn't at the training grounds, his time would have been better spent taking care of Sakura and making sure she was remembering to eat properly and getting enough sleep, among other things.

Not killing hours with this asshole tailor over frivolous nonsense. Who gave a shit what color the trim of his hakama was?

He closed his eyes in frustration and tried to focus on something positive. Which was arguably difficult when he had some old man's wrinkly paws all over his person.

He took in a deep breath and tried to tamp down his irritation by thinking of Sakura.

That's right… in another hour or so, he'd get to see  _Sakura_. She was coming over for dinner that evening, and they'd be seeing each other for the first time since the men of Team 7 left for their recon mission.

His foul mood seemed to mellow almost instantly at the thought.

Dinner couldn't come soon enough.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Isn't the table quiet today without Naruto-kun and Shisui-kun?"  Mikoto gently teased. "I understand that Naruto-kun was invited to dinner at the Hyuuga's, but I am a little sad about Shi-kun. I suppose his oba-chan's home cooking just can't compete with whoever the lovely young lady is that he took out on a date."

The younger shinobi at the table silently wondered if the esteemed Uchiha matriarch would still think Shisui's latest flavor of the week was a 'lovely young lady' if she knew the girl was a cage stripper/gogo dancer that had once gotten into a vicious drunken catfight with two other girls at the club over her nephew's dick pics.

Of course, Mikoto was none the wiser, and continued her musing. "White Day is coming up soon; I hope he knows to be a gentleman and remembers to give her something."

Sasuke couldn't help snorting and muttered under his breath,  _"Not unless VD counts as a gift."_

" _Sasuke-kun!"_ Sakura discreetly hissed and pinched her boyfriend's thigh under the table, to his displeasure.

Deciding a change of subject was in order before her future in-laws began questioning what that acronym meant, Izumi cleared her throat and warmly looked over at her favorite medic.

"So, Sakura-chan, I guess it's been hard for you to get out of the village these days… I heard you couldn't join your team on their recent mission."

Sakura gracefully placed her chopsticks down before responding. Even though his thigh was still throbbing, Sasuke couldn't help being hyper aware of the green eyed kunoichi sitting beside him - the way her pillowy lips subtly moved in tandem whilst chewing her food, and how she would occasionally flip her long, wavy mane over her shoulder with a flick of her slim wrist, and Kami, the scent of her hair…

"No, Izumi-nee-san, unfortunately not. I had a few surgeries scheduled over the last two weeks that couldn't be reassigned to another medic, and also had pre-existing commitments to host clinicals for our next batch of trainees."

Izumi's dark eyes lit up with interest. "That's right! I remember hearing that your inaugural class of mednin graduated a few months back. How are they doing?"

"They are doing well, thank you for asking. The majority of them passed their first stage certification exams at the beginning of the year, and formally entered basic rotations last month. That alone has alleviated the schedules for all senior medics across the board, which has been wonderful."

Despite the lingering soreness in his thigh, Sasuke couldn't help radiating a quiet sense of pride at his female teammate's remarkable achievements. Following the invasion, Sakura had not only overseen the reconstruction of the hospital, but she had also taken the initiative to create a meticulous first class training program for mednin at Konoha General. Her curriculum was noteworthy not just because it was the only one of its kind in the five elemental nations, but because of the depth of the training offered and the breadth of specializations students could delve into along the way.

Izumi shook her head in disbelief. "Between your surgical practice and the research you've been directing at the poison lab, I don't know how you did it Sakura-chan. From the budgeting, to securing financing… It is incredible what you did."

Sakura blushed deeply at the compliment. "Well… Tsunade-sama always disliked dealing with the administrative side of things, so project management and finance were aspects of village governance that she tasked Shizune-senpai and I with relatively early on."

This time it was Fugaku's turn to snort behind his newspaper.  _'Dislike' was a gross understatement. The woman couldn't stand handling paper that wasn't a lotto ticket._

Itachi glossed over his father's indiscretion and nodded approvingly. "The program is a tremendous credit to you, and to the village. We have cousins who matriculated from your inaugural class and can attest to its rigor, Sakura-san."

Fugaku subtly lowered his newspaper ever so slightly at the mention of his clan members.

"Yes, Taro-san and Kikumi-san did very well. I believe it can only be helpful for the clan to identify those with sufficient chakra control to become eye specialists early on, if they so wish."

Itachi's eyes warmed appreciatively at the shrewdness of the pinkette's words. He instantly realized that Sakura chose to recognize Taro and Kikumi by name in front of his father, because they were distant cousins that were never able to activate the Sharingan.

Typically, Uchiha who were unable to access their clan's kekkei genkai by the time they were eighteen were automatically shuffled into the civilian sector, and were classified as unfit for shinobi service by their clan council.

In Itachi's opinion, that was fine…  _if_  civilian life was what they wanted.

But he also believed that the older generation relied too much on the Sharingan. Just because one could not use the clan's signature doujutsu did not mean one could not contribute meaningfully as a shinobi in other ways, if he or she wanted to continue pursuing military service.

Itachi looked approvingly at his otouto's astute little mate.  While most identified the Hokage's apprentice with her master's super human strength – to Itachi, Sakura reminded him most of the Godaime at times like this.

_A clever one indeed._

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Dinner continued in relative peace, given that neither Shisui nor Naruto was present to provoke Sasuke, and vis versa. Sakura and Sasuke helped clear the table and volunteered to prepare the after-dinner tea tray, while Itachi and Izumi began plating the elegant namagashi and higashi that Sakura had brought from the matriarch's favorite confectionary in the village's revived boutique district.

Once Sasuke and his kunoichi were safely ensconced in the privacy of the kitchen, she sweetly turned to give him a chaste kiss on the cheek. With her bright verdant eyes brimming with affection, she whispered,

" _I missed you so much, Sasuke-kun. I'm so happy to see you,"_  before lightly placing her hand on his chest and wickedly running her soft, moist tongue over his bottom lip for a split second - before immediately pulling away.

Enjoying the stunned look on her boyfriend's now flushed face, Sakura giggled and turned towards the counter without another word, as if she hadn't just shamelessly teased him. She casually put a pot of water on the stove for tea, and also began gathering cups and small plates onto his Kaa-san's preferred tea tray.

Sasuke was too dazed to do anything other than take in the sight of his girlfriend in her pale blue, knee length sheath dress while he tried to process what she'd just done. While the garment was certainly professional, it was gloriously fitted in all the right places, accentuating her tiny waist, the heaving swell of her plump breasts, the plush fullness of her rear as she bent over the counter to –

"Is the tea ready?"

Sasuke was broken out of his stupor by the sound of his Kaa-san's voice. One look at her knowing smirk revealed that he'd been caught ogling his girlfriend's divine…  _assets_ , and in his mother's kitchen, no less. Sasuke's ears burned with mortification, and he rushed over to grab the tea tray before Sakura could respond.

"I'll take it," he muttered, before rushing back out into the dining room.


	3. Impossibly Gargantuan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obligatory Disclaimer: NARUTO AND ALL CHARACTERS RELATED TO THE NARUTO MANGA IS OWNED BY MASASHI KISHIMOTO.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

After-dinner tea was enjoyed by all, but none more than Mikoto. The sheer delight in the matriarch's eyes at finally having a female audience with whom she could share all of the "fun" details surrounding Itachi and Izumi's wedding did not go unnoticed by her husband and sons.

While Mikoto dove into a passionate monologue picking apart the pros and cons of various paper samples, fabric swatches, flower arrangements, etc. - Sasuke swiftly tuned out his mother's crazy wedding chatter in favor of sneaking glances at his girlfriend.

Still somewhat flustered by what happened earlier in the kitchen, Sasuke was trying his best not to be so fixated by the pink haired stunner beside him… but he was fighting a losing battle.

As if the sight of Sakura's slender, creamy neck and exposed collar bone wasn't tantalizing enough, she had taken to discreetly squeezing his knee and occasionally brushing her hand along his inner thigh under the table.

Sasuke's pants were feeling tighter by the minute, and he wasn't sure how much more of her teasing he could take, when they were suddenly interrupted by loud knocking at the front door.

" _Fugaku-samaaaaa!"_

Mikoto sensed her husband's ire at this disruption, and gracefully stood to address their unexpected visitor herself. She quietly padded to the genkan and opened the door to find the slumped over, teary eyed form of her niece, Megumi.

"Megumi-chan, what is wrong?"

"Mikoto-samaaaa!" Megumi promptly began wailing, and struggled to explain between sobs.

"He-he… is r-refusing to eat or b-bathe, and – and that means he c-can't take his m-medication, and… he p-pushed Jinzo-san into the tub instead and… and now – he's r-run out of the house!"

Mikoto briefly closed her eyes before asking poor Megumi to wait in the privacy of the sitting room.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Nobody missed the muffled sounds of stilted sobbing coming from the east wing of the house. The patriarch exhaled a deep sigh and reluctantly set down his newspaper.

_There goes my peaceful evening._

He turned to his youngest. "It is getting late. You should escort Haruno-san home now."

"Aa." Sasuke looked to Sakura and gestured towards the door just as his Kaa-san returned to the dining room. Ever the polite and tactful guest, his girlfriend gave no indication that she'd heard anything out of the ordinary and simply smiled at her boyfriend's family. Bowing deeply, Sakura thanked her hosts for having her before Itachi and Izumi walked the younger couple to the genkan.

Things quickly escalated once Sasuke opened the front door, and unfortunately for his girlfriend - no amount of grace and poise could have prevented Sakura from openly gaping at the mayhem unfolding in front of her.

Jade eyes widened at the sight of an imposing figure loudly stomping down the street past the main house gates, leaving a wild mane of waist-length white hair and one of Sasuke's harrowed aunties flouncing in his wake.

Sasuke refrained from slapping himself on the forehead.  _Oh, for fuck's sake._

"Mahhh…  _Madara-samaaa_!" Auntie Hitomi screeched, as her shorter legs struggled to keep up with the long strides of her significantly aged charge.

At this point, Itachi and Izumi had joined the younger couple out on the front lawn to see what the disturbance was all about.

It was only when the foursome got closer to the street that they noticed exactly what the old man was (or  _wasn't_ ) wearing.

Both couples zeroed in on the fact that he had nothing on but a pair of black fundoshi beneath his  _wide open_ yukata, and despite Sakura's very best efforts – she couldn't tear her eyes away from the  **impossibly gargantuan** …  _package_  that hung heavily beneath the fabric of his undergarment.

Madara's sheer height (even with the hunch in his back), the broad expanse of his shoulders, the remarkable degree of definition that he retained in his chest and abdomen even in his advanced age, all indicated that he was not your typical geriatric.

As if his intimidating aura wasn't enough, this elderly man's body was undeniable proof that he was a formidable warrior in his heyday.

Despite Auntie Hitomi's flailing, Madara refused to so much as acknowledge his frazzled caretaker - but abruptly stopped in his tracks as his tired eyes settled on the dazzling palette of one  _Haruno Sakura_.

Stunned still, his hard expression cracked, and a deep baritone voice choked out -

" _Kami-sama…_ _ **HARU**_ _!"_

Sasuke, Itachi and Izumi all turned their gaze from the ornery old man in the street to the pastel sprite in their midst.

It was clear that Sakura was just as puzzled by the sudden attention. Looking from left to right as if to confirm that the outburst was actually directed towards  _her_ , the Hokage's apprentice couldn't help but scrunch her little nose in confusion, before a spark of recognition lit up her emerald eyes.

_Ahhh, so_ _**this** _ _is who Shishou was referring to…_

Frantically, Auntie Hitomi called out, "Come now, Madara-sama,  _please_. Let us bind your hair and return to your home. Your dinner has already been presented and your bath is ready to be prepared."

Never taking his eyes off Sakura, Madara swatted the middle aged woman away with ease and stated in a deep, even tone brimming with authority -

"I will bind my hair… but  _only if Haru does it for me_." He tilted his head towards Sakura, making it clear who he was referring to.

Sasuke's eyes narrowed sharply at this demand.  _What was this old nutass playing at? And who the hell was Haru?_

_AND DID THIS HALF DEAD PUNK REALLY HAVE TO BE HUNG LIKE AN ELEPHANT ON STEROIDS?!_

The youngest Uchiha's fuming did not go unnoticed by Madara, who smirked in response to his obvious displeasure.

Oblivious to the silent enmity building between her boyfriend and his great great-grandfather, Sakura's expert eyes quickly assessed Madara's condition with clinical precision. Despite his imposing stature, she noticed a minor tremor in one hand, the faint difference in the way he distributed weight between his right and left legs, the slightly strained intake of each breath…

_Abnormal variations to the substantia nigra and the basal ganglia, degeneration of his neurotransmitters, erratic blood pressure, contusions of the alveoli, just to name a few…_

The young medic saw the panic rising in Auntie Hitomi's face at her charge's scandalous state of undress and mounting agitation, and knew what needed to be done to resolve this tantrum as quickly and discreetly as possible.

Surprising everyone else present, Sakura addressed the elderly man with a gentle, nurturing tone borne from years of experience working with patients, young and old.

"Madara-sama, I would be honored to bind your hair for you.  _But only_  if you agree to follow Uchiha-san and take your dinner and bath straight afterwards. A shinobi's body requires proper rest and nutrition as much as it needs intensive training, and I know you must take pride in your  _peak_  physical condition."

Madara's face eased into a sultry grin at her words, while Auntie Hitomi's glistening eyes brimmed with tears and unadulterated gratitude.  _FINALLY!_  Someone who was getting through to her impossible charge!

Sharp, arrogant eyes softened as the old man beckoned Sakura to come closer. The pinkette shyly gestured for him to close his robe first, and to everyone's shock – he actually complied. Sporting a devilish smirk and never breaking eye contact, Madara wrapped and secured his yukata, then slowly seated himself onto a wooden bench underneath a nearby street lamp.

He reached up to take a hold of Sakura's delicate wrist and raised her hand to his hair. While everyone else was astonished by this initiation of physical contact, Sakura seemed to take it all in stride as she casually accepted a thin leather tie from Auntie Hitomi and proceeded to gently pull back and bind his wild mane.

Sasuke was  _not at all_  pleased to see Madara closing his eyes with a small but genuine smile, as he basked in the feeling of having his hair gently bound by such a beautiful young woman.

When Sakura was finished, she placed a soft hand on Madara's shoulder and brightly remarked, "There, all done. How handsome and distinguished you look! Now you are ready to enjoy your meal and take your bath."

The elderly hellraiser looked on affectionately at the pink haired sweetheart beside him, when the Uchiha matriarch's elegant form suddenly appeared by the main house gates with her husband and niece in tow.

"Madara-sama, won't you allow dear Megumi-chan to escort you home?" Mikoto inquired, gently ushering Megumi towards her geriatric charge.

To Auntie Hitomi's enormous relief, Madara actually rose, and quite gracefully at that, and allowed himself to be escorted back down the road to his own home.

Before leaving, he whispered something to Auntie Hitomi before turning to give Sakura a parting look filled with longing.

The lovely young medic just smiled back warmly, oblivious to the nature of his attention, as she was with all of her patients. But Sasuke didn't miss the way the old man's eyes seemed to scrutinize his girlfriend's face and form, lingering on her figure.

Itachi quietly considered what had just transpired.  _Interesting…_

Izumi privately wondered what her future in-laws thought about the episode they had just witnessed.

And Sasuke, well… he wasn't sure why, but he suddenly felt a low grade sense of  _panic_  starting to seep in.

_What the hell was THAT?!_


	4. Big Fat Fail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obligatory Disclaimer: NARUTO AND ALL CHARACTERS RELATED TO THE NARUTO MANGA IS OWNED BY MASASHI KISHIMOTO.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

 

 

 

_A big fat fucking FAIL, that's what that was._

Sasuke muttered to himself as he laid flat on his back in the middle of a now decimated Training Ground 14.

As much as he tried to focus on his combat formations, all he could think about was that dinner with Sakura and his family, and the bizarre shit show that followed.

Three days had passed since that disastrous evening, but he was  _still_  in the doghouse with his girlfriend… and it made him want to rip his hair out.

He recalled how he'd walked Sakura back to her apartment at the end of the night, and instead of being her usual sweet and flirtatious self - she had argued with him over that geriatric nutcase Madara.

" _I said_ _ **no**_ _. He's fucking nuts."_

" _Sasuke-kun, be reasonable. This is not a big deal. Shishou already spoke to me at length about his condition. Madara-sama is cognitively impaired, and shouldn't be treated differently than any other hospice patient requiring end-of-life care. That's all."_

" _Why do YOU have to do it."_

" _Your mother and Hitomi-san already explained why. For whatever reason, he asked for me specifically… and that's okay. Given his unique medical history, it's probably best that I be the one to address this anyways."_

" _Tch. He's always saying and doing crazy shit to the aunties. Like hell am I letting you near him."_

" _I already told you, Sasuke-kun. These types of outbursts are not uncommon amongst cognitively impaired patients, especially those under hospice care. Chronic pain and discomfort can make people say and do all kinds of things they don't really mean."_

" _Doesn't matter. You don't have time for this."_

" _That might have been the case before, but my schedule is much more manageable now that our new medics are in rotations.  And it will be nice to spend some time each week administering palliative care, as it hasn't been my focus in years..._

_Dealing with people's lives hanging in the balance all day every day over surgery tables and emergency procedures makes me miss that part of my job sometimes."_

Sasuke squeezed his eyes shut as he remembered the twinge of melancholy on her face at that moment. Kami, she was  _annoying_ , but Sasuke couldn't help but soften his resolve at her words. He didn't think of Sakura's willingness to take on his mother's request from  _that_  angle, which he silently berated himself for after the fact.

Because he knew better than anyone how deeply the loss of a patient impacted Sakura; he knew how harshly she tended to blame herself whenever anyone died on her operating table, no matter how impossible the odds were or how futile a procedure was from the start. He understood why she might have wanted to step away from the stress of the OR and ER every once in a while…

And what she said next made him feel even  _worse_.

" _I understand your concerns,_ _ **but I know how to run my practice, Sasuke-kun**_ _."_

Sasuke dug the heels of his palms into his eyelids in frustration and fatigue.

That's not what he'd meant. He didn't mean to imply that she didn't know how to run her practice... He knew Sakura was at the top of her game; that's the last thing he wanted her to think.

Sasuke exhaled a deep sigh as he bitterly recalled what happened afterwards. The rest of their tense walk was completed in less than companionable silence. And after thanking him for escorting her home, Sakura informed him that she had an early morning the following day and wanted to get some rest.

FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL. FAIL.

After spending two weeks sleeping without his girlfriend during his last mission, Sasuke had been looking forward to spending his nights back home holding her and getting…  _reacquainted,_ with her incredible body.

Instead, he'd managed to get cock blocked by a living mummy.

Seriously, how the hell did that night go off the rails so badly in such a short span of time?! One minute, Sakura's soft hand was a mere four inches away from his…  _special stuff,_  and the next minute, he'd found himself frozen out of her bed and walking back to the compound  _alone._

Even more troubling, was that somehow the evening ended with Sakura believing that Sasuke didn't think she could handle herself professionally, which he knew was a sore spot for her.

And  _worst_  of all, she had agreed to his mother and Auntie Hitomi's request to serve as an interim caretaker of sorts to that deranged asshole on days when she had free time from the hospital.

He recalled his Kaa-san's justification for this madness.

" _It won't be all day, Sasu-chan. Sakura-chan is still very busy and doesn't have time for that. And it doesn't mean Megumi-chan or Hitomi oba-san, or Jinzo-san and the others will fall off the rotation. They'll still be there, it's just that Sakura-chan will come by when it's conducive to her schedule to aide in the important things – making sure he takes his medication, administering minor healing sessions to alleviate his general pain and discomfort, and other things that our clan members may not be as well equipped to handle… Right, Sakura-chan?"_

Sasuke was suddenly ripped from his thoughts over that horribly botched evening by a smelly and obnoxious foot shoving his shoulder.

"What the fuck are you grumbling about now, Teme? Bitching cuz you can't keep up with me, is that it?!" Naruto scoffed as Sasuke viciously grabbed a clump of grass and slammed it into the blond's whiskered face.

Screeching every profanity under the sun as he sputtered dirt out of his mouth, Naruto reached over to try and put Sasuke in one of their usual chokeholds, but neither teen had the strength to put much energy behind their bickering. The boys were so exhausted, they barely noticed Shisui and Kakashi teleporting beside them.

The Copy Ninja peered lazily down at his raven haired former student.

"We're done for the day. You've been unfocused, Sasuke. Even with Kurama-sama's cooperation, the sheer force of the chakra you both are trying to coordinate is still extremely dangerous if it isn't handled perfectly."

Truthfully, Kakashi was surprised by the youngest Uchiha's wavering concentration that afternoon. Like his brother, the boy was usually militant about his training, staunchly disciplined, and was a resolute perfectionist.

_In fact, there were only a precious few things he could think of that could ever pose as a potential distraction for him…_

"YEAH! IT'S ALL IN THE  _DETAILS_ , ASSHOLE!"

Kakashi sighed before turning to the blond knucklehead also splayed out on the ground. "Naruto, before you start pointing fingers about  _details_ , keep in mind that you showed up to training this morning with your pants on backwards."

Shisui snickered uncontrollably above them. "Oi, did ya have a long night, Naruto-kun? Your girl wore you out so badly you were too tired to even put your clothes on right this morning?"

Naruto's cheeks flushed violently as he frantically stammered out a string of vehement denials.

Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.

_What the fuck. Was he seriously the only one not getting any lately?!_

"Oh c'mon, Kakashi-senpai. Don't be so hard on our Sasu-chan. He's got a lot to think about, you know."

Sneering mischievously, Shisui added, "After all, how would you feel if your woman was spending time in the exclusive company of none other than  _Uchiha Madara_?"

Kakashi refrained from rolling his eyes.  _Is that what this was all about? Yare, yare…_

Naruto immediately sat up, face scrunched in confusion.

"Who?"

Shisui smacked the back of his head. "I said,  _Madara._  As in, one of the  _founders_?"

Naruto shot Shisui a dirty look before turning to his former sensei with a pout. "But Kaka-sensei, isn't that guy dead?"

At times like this, Kakashi seriously wondered how his sensei's son managed to graduate from the Academy when he couldn't even remember a basic history lesson correctly.

But, for whatever reason - the silver haired jounin found himself in a rare, inexplicable mood to actually volunteer information for once, and decided to try and explain the situation to his clueless former student.

"No, he's not. Madara was close to death after he battled the Shodaime at the Valley of the End. But, he and the first Hokage were best friends, so the Shodaime used a kinjutsu to save his life."

Naruto scratched his chin as he tried to process this information. "Ano sa, but even if he didn't die back then, isn't he, like,  _really_  old? How is this Madara guy still around?"

Kakashi inwardly tsk'd.   _How could he explain Madara's condition in the simplest terms possible?_

"Well, according to Tsunade-sama, Madara's body changed at a cellular level when the life force of the Shodaime entered his chakra pathways."

Sasuke rolled his eyes, Shisui tried to stifle a snort, and Naruto…  _still_  failed to infer what had happened.

So, Kakashi tried a different approach. "You know, Naruto… the Shodaime's unique powers gave him the ability to create living biological tissue, which made his famous mokuton ninjutsu possible."

(Crickets…)

"In other words, the Shodaime's chakra could prompt the regeneration of proteins and enzymes in the body at will.  It is this power that caused Madara's cells to trigger continuous cycles of mitosis to renew themselves, which unnaturally prolonged his lifespan. Does that make sense?"

Sasuke shot his former sensei a dry look.  _Really?_

As if he read his mind, Kakashi just shrugged. "You three always complained that I never bothered to explain anything, and now you know why."

In typical Naruto fashion, the blond simply dismissed the complicated bits he didn't understand… which in this case, was everything.  But that was okay, because all of this just sounded like boring textbook shit that didn't matter.

More importantly –

"Why's this old man hanging out with Sakura-chan?"

Shisui crouched down to meet the younger nin at eye level.

"Well, Naruto-kun. Let's just say he's been receiving some  _private care_ from our favorite medic."

This time, Naruto looked over at his best friend in disbelief.

" _That's_  what got your panties in a twist? Sakura-chan's new patient? He's just some old geezer."

Sasuke shot dagger eyes at the Dobe, and was about to retort when Shisui beat him to it.

"Ahhh, but that's where you're wrong. Madara isn't just  _any_ old geezer." The older Uchiha gave his baby cousin a devilish grin.

"He was an absolute  _savage_  with the ladies back in the day, you know."

Naruto's eyes widened while Sasuke's nostrils flared in indignation. "What the hell is that supposed to mean," he spat out.

Shisui chuckled as he picked at a piece of non-existent lint on his sleeve.

"Word on the street was, that Madara could get  _any_  woman he wanted. You know, because he had that whole 'wickedly handsome with a monster physique' thing going on.  And of course, it didn't hurt that he was a crazy powerful ninja whose shinobi prowess could only be matched by the first Hokage."

Ignoring his senpai's bland, but unmistakably pointed look, Shisui bit back a giggle and continued on.

"… And of course, he's always had that  _long,_   _ **virile**_  – "

The wavy haired ANBU looked on with glee at the equal parts curiosity and horror reflected on both teens' faces before finishing his remark.

" **HAIR."**

Naruto nearly fell over.  "Naniiiiiiiiiiii?!  _Hair?_ "

Shisui nodded with as straight a face as he could muster.

"Yes,  _hair_. Where do you think Jiraiya-sama got the inspiration to grow out his own hair from?  It's because Madara's crazy hair was always so popular with the ladies, and attracted a near  _endless stream of ass_."

Sasuke was practically catatonic. His brain shut off after he heard the word "virile", and the only thing he could think of at that moment was the sight of Madara's enormous  _you know what,_  from three days ago.

The younger Uchiha visibly sweat dropped.

_Sakura._

Oh Kami, Sakura… He recalled the way her large, emerald eyes had locked onto Madara's -

POWERFUL,

_LONG_ ,

_**VIRILE -** _

Sasuke suddenly snapped. Without another word, he grabbed Naruto by the collar and frantically dragged him off the training grounds to come up with some… plan, or strategy…. or…  _FUCK_. SOMETHING, ANYTHING, to get Madara away from their impressionable female teammate.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Kakashi aimed a lazy eye over to his former kouhai who was now doubled over on the ground laughing, and exhaled a deep sigh.

"I don't even want to know. But why does it feel like we're going to be dealing with a whole lot of stupid over the next few days because of your little performance just now?"

Shisui couldn't offer a verbal response because his laughter had escalated into full blown howling.

Kakashi languidly pulled his hitai-ate over his left eye and whipped out his trusty orange book.

So much for training…


	5. The Height of Artsy, Romantic… Something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obligatory Disclaimer: NARUTO AND ALL CHARACTERS RELATED TO THE NARUTO MANGA IS OWNED BY MASASHI KISHIMOTO.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

 

"WHAT THE FUCK, TEME?!"

After nearly strangling each other on their way out of Training Ground 14, Naruto and Sasuke found themselves tumbling down a grassy hillside on the outskirts of the village.

Once both battered boys caught their bearings, Sasuke finally regained enough of his mental faculties to explain his sudden actions, and described the events that followed the dinner at his home three days ago.

Naruto's eyes widened with alarm as he realized just what was at stake. " _Super_   _gross_ , Teme! That nasty old man has the hots for Sakura-chan!"

The blond thumped his fist into the open palm of his other hand and steeled his blue eyes.

"Yosh! First things first. Where's Madara? We gotta know what he's up to!"

Sasuke curtly nodded. "He might be with her now. This is around the time she took care of him yesterday."

Naruto slapped a firm hand on his best friend's shoulder. Without exchanging another word, both boys expertly masked their chakra and took off in the direction of the Uchiha district.

Sasuke sensed his girlfriend's all too familiar chakra signature getting stronger the closer he got to his clan's holdings. When the duo finally reached the road leading to the compound, they saw two chuunin standing guard at the gates, speaking to each another in low tones.

Sasuke recognized his younger cousins Inabi and Tetsuna heatedly whispering amongst themselves, eyes wide with wonder. While the older jounin were still a good distance off, their superior shinobi hearing and sharp lip reading skills gave the chunnins' guarded conversation away.

" _Jinzo-oji-san said Madara-sama took her on a picnic… where she FED HIM, can you believe it? And she's been massaging his hands to help with his arthritis… Kami, if a woman like that ever put her hands on me I'd lose my shit!"_

" _Yuriko bumped into Hitomi-oba-san at the art supply store this morning. Oba-san said he's painting something for Haruno-sensei… But he won't tell anyone what, exactly. What do you think it is?"_

" _Who cares?! She's a 100 out of ten! If losing your marbles means getting taken care of by a five alarm hottie like that, sign me up!"_

Naruto gave his teammate a startled look, while Sasuke's eyes narrowed with displeasure.

A picnic? _Massages?!_

Entirely peeved, Sasuke harrumphed and stomped up the road with Naruto in tow.

The chuunin standing guard visibly paled at the sight of their powerful older cousin and his formidable jinchuuriki teammate, and scrambled to straighten their posture.

Not bothering to return their shaky greetings, Sasuke yanked a happily waving Naruto along as they headed down the compound's main street towards Madara's sprawling estate.

The boys were unfamiliar with the former clan head's villa, so they decided to start by scoping out the premises from the roof of the estate's highest structure first, which happened to be the falconry. Deftly hidden on their rooftop perch, the boys quickly scanned over the extensive gardens, the intricate koi ponds, and the neatly manicured private training grounds.

And while they saw Auntie Hitomi and a domestic helper carrying what looked like a canvas, an easel, and other art supplies into Madara's residence, they couldn't find any visible sign of their female teammate… until Sasuke caught a flash of  _pink_  from an open window of the home his Auntie had just entered.

He silently gestured at the window to Naruto, but all he got was a confused look in response.

" _Teme, why are Sakura-chan's clothes over there?"_ The blond whispered in a puzzled tone, pointing to a white medic's coat and a familiar red dress, both hanging neatly from a pricey Jindai cedar armoire in the corner of the room… with Sakura nowhere in sight.

Suddenly, the knucklehead's eyebrows shot straight to his hairline as he realized something.

Naruto's usually tan, whiskered cheeks blanched as he gripped the high collar of Sasuke's navy shirt.

" _TEME. He's PAINTING… and – and, Sakura-chan's CLOTHES… AND - !"_

Sasuke furrowed his brows, trying to figure out what the moron was trying to say.

He gave up and furiously whispered back, " _And? What about it?!"_

" _Don't you get it?! This is baaaaaaaaaaaad!"_

The young Uchiha repressed the urge to smack the blond upside the head _. "Stop being so fucking vague and EXPLAIN."_

" _I'm TRYING, asshole! So, remember the time I took Hinata-chan on a date to that new okonomiyaki café? Before we left for Kusa? Not so great, by the way."_

Sasuke's vicious glare indicated that he was losing patience, fast.

" _Okay, so anyways, we ran into Ino and her new boyfriend, the ANBU guy. You know, the artist? The one who wears the baby sized shirts?"_

Sasuke inwardly groaned. Yamanaka was a raging hemorrhoid, always hounding Sakura into wearing scandalous (i.e., insanely hot) scraps of cloth masquerading as dresses and dragging her out to bars and discos  _without him_  for "girls night out" events and other similar shitfuckery.

And her nosy meddling self would shoot him pointed looks every chance she got to let him know just how shitty of a boyfriend she thought he was, all while going on and on about the lavish gifts and romantic dates her weirdo artsy crop top wearing albino boytoy was always planning for her.

FUCK. Sasuke already knew this was going to be bad. Nothing Yamanaka related was ever anything less than an S-class  _disaster._

Naruto continued.  _"So anyway, Ino told Hinata-chan that real men like painting the women they love NAKED because its the height of artsy, romantic… something, I forget… But anyhow that guy Sai painted Ino in the NUDE and gave it to her as a gift!"_

Naruto rubbed his forehead with the back of his hand in both agitation and confusion.

" _I mean, if you have a naked picture of your girl, isn't that super hot? Wouldn't you want to keep it? Why would your girl want it? Hey! Teme? TEME, ARE YOU LISTENING?!"_

Sasuke was in a total stupor, because all he heard were the words  _'NAKED'_  and  _'NUDE'_.

Madara was going to paint her…...?!

Sasuke  _FUMED…_ OVER HIS DEAD BODY.

The young Uchiha locked eyes with his best friend with a murderous look that let Naruto know shit was about to get real _._

Employing all of their most impressive stealth and infiltration skills, the duo silently scaled down the walls of the falconry and breached Madara's residence, but nearly blew their cover when Naruto almost tripped over an ornate table.

" _Watch where you're going, Dobe!"_ Sasuke quietly hissed, privately wondering how a jounin could be so clumsy.

To Sasuke's ire, Naruto was too absorbed with his surroundings to heed the warning.

Truthfully, Sasuke couldn't entirely blame him. He had heard his Otou-san's grumblings about the exorbitant cost of maintaining Madara's household, but had never personally been inside the lavish villa… until now.

Like most of the buildings within the compound, Madara's home was constructed in a traditional style – but the sheer size and scale of the structure nearly dwarfed the grandeur of the Uchiha main house. Furnishings were sparse, in keeping with the style of noble homes during the Sengoku period, but each piece was made from the rarest woods of the highest quality.

The boys also noticed the impressive hanging scrolls that were hung on the walls, featuring calligraphy for single words that reflected shinobi life.

Parchments bearing the Kanji for  _"Duty"_  and  _"Honor"_  were both hung above the oversized genkan, while another hanging scroll with the word  _"Family"_  was featured prominently in the large central  _washitsu._

As the boys passed by what appeared to be the largest bedroom in the home, Sasuke noticed that there were only two works on the walls other than the scant furnishings therein: a painting (the only one he'd seen in the house) of bare sakura trees with their closed buds covered in a light sheet of frost, and a scroll on the opposite wall that reflected the Kanji for the word  _"Devotion"_.

Sasuke scrutinized the décor for a second.  _Strange… if this is the largest room, it must belong to Madara._

But he couldn't help thinking that the choice of works adorning the walls seemed kind of sappy for such a fierce shinobi of his caliber.

As the duo continued their way deeper into the house, they were suddenly hit with the unmistakable sound of Sakura's silvery laughter right outside the -

Naruto scrunched his nose in confusion and whispered,  _"Why would he paint a nudie picture of Sakura-chan in the kitchen?"_

Sasuke shook his head in disgust. What the hell kind of question was that? Maybe it was because of some kinky food shit; how the fuck was he supposed to know?!

Filled with righteous indignation, Sasuke prepared to get down for real – which his best friend instantly sensed.

A split second later, the boys leapt out from behind the kitchen door with kunais in hand, ready to take down the dirty old bastard when –

They were suddenly flying through the kitchen window.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sasuke and Naruto found themselves sprawled out on the now splintered engawa outside the kitchen, their cheeks swollen with vicious black bruises.

The first thing they saw when they came to was their female teammate, completely covered up in a properly tied grey yukata…

And what could only be described as a hellish glare on her face.

Naruto cowered in abject fear as he glued his eyes to the ground, desperately hoping she wouldn't break any of his bones that day. He really didn't want to have to cancel his dinner date with Hinata-chan over this.

Sasuke, on the other hand, couldn't keep his eyes off her.

Maybe that made him a masochist of sorts, he wasn't sure. But there was just something oddly compelling and strangely  _erotic_ about the way Sakura's small fists were clenched, how her flawless face was flushed with anger, the way her hair was mussed, and how her breasts heaved with every labored breath, causing her cleavage to peek through the collar of her robe...

In short: a  _furious Sakura was absolutely magnificent._

"Naruto… I'm not even going to ask. I WANT YOU TO GO HOME.  _RIGHT. NOW._ "

The blond audibly whimpered at the lethal tone of her voice, and instantly hobbled his way out of the villa as fast as his legs could carry him.

Sakura closed her eyes and took a deep breath before addressing her boyfriend next.

"Sasuke-kun… I need you to explain yourself."

Sasuke felt like his brain was short circuiting from everything he was feeling all at once, which wasn't a new thing when it came to his girlfriend. Flustered by how  _sexy_  she looked, wincing at the throbbing pain in his cheek, agitated by how comfortable she seemed in Madara's home, whilst hopelessly  _burning_  with attraction for her, he suddenly blurted out –

"Why are you wearing that."

Sakura's faced momentarily blanked. She was too confused by his abrupt and seemingly unrelated question to even be mad about it.

_What the… What?_

"Because we were making food, and I didn't want to soil my work clothes. The cook didn't have a spare apron in my size, so she gave me this old yukata instead."

"Why were you cooking."

Sakura blinked hard. She considered that maybe she'd hit Sasuke too hard, which might explain why he seemed so out of it and was asking these random questions.

"Hitomi-san mentioned that Madara-sama's appetite had been fickle lately, and he can't take his medication without eating something first. So, I asked him what his favorite food was."

She pointed to packages of aburaage tofu pouches on the kitchen counter, presumably opened for inarizushi.

"I wanted to work on his hand/eye coordination today, so I figured having him prepare his favorite dish with me was a good way to do that, whilst ensuring that he ate a full meal… Wait – Sasuke-kun,  _are you okay_? What is this about?"

Sasuke's ears burned with the heat of a thousand suns as he muttered,  _"I thought he was painting."_

The young medic was completely confounded.  _Huh?_

"What about it, Sasuke-kun? Yes, he mentioned that he used to paint, so I asked Hitomi-san if we could get him some art supplies because it's another good way to exercise one's hand/eye coordination."

Shaking her head in bewilderment, Sakura leaned over and placed a green hand over her boyfriend's forehead to check and see if he was suffering from a concussion… only to find that he wasn't.

The pink haired beauty looked heavenward in frustration, not understanding what the hell was going on. What she  _did_ know was, that Sasuke seemed to be in a mood… and it didn't look like she was going to get coherent answers from him any time soon.

Too tired and drained from the drama that had ensued to deal with this any further, Sakura tried to speak in the calmest tone of voice she could muster.

"I… I can't believe this. I need to find Hitomi-san; we need to get someone to clean all of this up."

Before walking back into the house, she looked over her shoulder with hard eyes.

"And I'm sure you know that you and Naruto will be paying to repair all the property damage you've caused."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sasuke continued sulking outside the destroyed kitchen window, wondering just how he and the Dobe had fucked up so badly, when he noticed Madara approaching him from inside the house.

The elderly man's smooth baritone cut the silence. "I remember you. You are the whelp that was attempting to make eyes at my mate."

Sasuke's head whipped up. "Your  _mate_?!" He indignantly hissed, using everything in his power not to incinerate the shit out of the presumptuous mummy in front of him.

" _She's MY girlfriend, asshole_."

Madara snorted and waved a hand dismissively. "She was mine first.  _And I do not share what is mine._ "

" _First_?! What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

Ignoring the question, Madara crossed his arms in a show of dominance and scoffed contemptuously.

" _Tch._ As if a  _pup_  like you even had the necessary…  _equipment_  or  _know-how_  to satisfy a woman like  _mine_."

Madara sneered one last time before stomping back inside the house, just as Auntie Hitomi appeared to situate him in the washitsu for his afternoon tea service…

Leaving a positively livid and utterly speechless Sasuke in his wake.


	6. Steamy Misadventures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obligatory Disclaimer: NARUTO AND ALL CHARACTERS RELATED TO THE NARUTO MANGA IS OWNED BY MASASHI KISHIMOTO.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

  

It only took one look at his two numbskulls for Kakashi to figure out everything he needed to know.

Two days after the fiasco at Madara's villa, Naruto and Sasuke's faces were still swollen with purplish bruises.

Usually, Sakura was militant about her team's health and well-being. And if that meant she had to corner her erstwhile sensei at his favorite erotic bookstore so he'd complete his quarterly physicals, or make house calls to the Uchiha compound for Sasuke's eye appointments, or brave Naruto's apartment to replace all of the instant ramen in his cabinets with the marginally healthier low-sodium variety… so be it. Sakura worked tirelessly to ensure that any and every injury her boys sustained, no matter how minor, was completely healed and her teammates were in the best physical form possible at all times.

The entire village knew how closely knit Team 7 was, despite the fact that its members were all jounin now and fully grown. Sakura's boys greedily basked in her tender loving care and affection. It wasn't unusual to see the pinkette with her blond brother at Yamanaka Flowers patiently helping the loveable idiot pick out blooms for his beloved Hinata-chan's pressed flower collection; or endlessly fussing over her outwardly irritated (but inwardly chuffed) boyfriend whenever her team returned home from a mission without her. It was just as common to see Sakura out in the market district stocking up on the infamous Copy Ninja's favorite foods so she could personally see to it that he had healthy pre-made meals at home.

" _Oh, you know Kakashi-sensei. If I don't keep his refrigerator stocked, he's probably just going to pop a few soldier pills and call it a day since he's too lazy to cook for himself these days."_

Yes, she wasn't called Konoha's Sweetheart for nothing.

Which is why Naruto and Sasuke's fucked up faces could only mean the following:

(1)  They pissed Sakura off,  _badly_ ; and,

(2)  Whatever they did must have been truly beyond the realm of the absurd since it looked like Kurama wasn't inclined to help with Naruto's healing, either.

Despite Kakashi's constant tardiness and lackadaisical disposition, nobody could deny that the man was a genius and a remarkable prodigy in his own right. He was whip smart, and over the years, he'd also learned to value his life…

...which is why there was no way in hell he was getting in the middle of this.

Ignoring Shisui's chortling, Kakashi simply cut their training short that day, in light of the boys' injuries.

As he headed home to feed Pakkun along with the rest of the pack, and enjoy a wonderful pre-made meal of salt-broiled saury and eggplant soup (courtesy of his favorite student, of course), he overheard Shisui suggest a form of recuperation to his two subordinates.

Nonchalantly spinning a kunai with his index finger, the wavy haired ANBU casually remarked,

"Sakura-chan must have gotten you good if you turds are still looking fucked up. Maybe a trip to the onsen is in order… it could really help with your injuries, don't ya think?"

Naruto's eyes lit up like strobe lights. "That's a GREAT idea, Shisui-nii! My back is  _killing_  me after she threw us out that window!"

Sasuke scoffed. As if he had time to waste at the village onsen with these fools. He turned on his heels, intent on hauling himself home to stew over his current predicament, when he felt Naruto jerk his collar back.

"C'mon Teme, don't be such a prick! Everything hurts right now and I need to relaaaax!"

Sasuke whipped around and snapped, "And whose fault is that, Dobe?! Who went on and on about painting and got us into this mess in the first place?!"

He ripped Naruto's hand away and huffed.

"Besides, why do I have to go? I don't have time for this; I need to figure out how to fix shit with Sakura."

"BUT  _TEMEEEEEEEEEEEEE_!"

"Forget it. Don't you remember what happened last time?!"

Sasuke shuddered as he recalled the shenanigans that went down the last time he, the Dobe and their former sensei went to the village onsen. All it took was one kunoichi with mediocre sensory skills to ascertain their presence, and suddenly Konoha's entire fangirl populace found out that the sexy men of Team 7 were at the hot springs that day.

Kakashi had a dedicated club of enamored fangirls that stalked him for years, as did Sasuke - whose own deranged following was only exceeded by the hordes of fangirls that crazed after his Nii-san and Shisui.

Hell, even Naruto had amassed an astonishing cabal of obsessive admirers following his heroic feats in protecting the village during the Akatsuki's attack.

Sasuke vigorously shook his head. NO, NO,  _ **NO**_. His neck was killing him, his face was still swollen, and he was up shit's creek with Sakura.

The last thing he needed was to be harassed at the onsen by a group of thirsty, grabby, unhinged fangirls feverishly hoping to catch a glimpse of him in some state of undress.

"We'll mask our chakra then! I really need to  _gooooo_! You  _have to_  come with!"

Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. What the fuck had he done in his past life to get saddled with such a clingy pustule of a best friend?  He knew he'd never get a moment's peace until Naruto got his way.  Sasuke seriously wondered how Hyuuga put up with his ridiculous neediness.

After another twenty minutes of relentless whining, Sasuke finally acquiesced. Grudgingly, the raven haired nin allowed himself to be dragged to the  _Falling Leaves Onsen_ , cursing his idiot teammate and older cousin seven ways to hell in the process.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

At Sasuke's insistence – he, Naruto and Shisui masked their chakra to avoid drawing any unwanted attention before heading to the men's locker room.  As Sasuke changed out of his clothing and started his pre-bathing shower, his thoughts wandered to the last time he'd actually taken a bath.

Of course, it was with his girlfriend in the privacy of her apartment the night before he left for his last mission.

He recalled how Sakura had seductively stripped her clothes off, gathered her long, silky mane into a loose pile on top of her head… and joined him in the shower.

After insisting on washing his hair and scrubbing his body down for him, she'd left him in the shower stall with an aching erection, grabbed a tiny pink towel that barely covered her wet and sinfully sexy curves, and proceeded to draw him a bath in the adjacent tub.

When the water was ready, she'd led him out of the shower by the hand, gestured for him to get into the tub and promptly settled herself between his legs.  Sasuke would never forget the predatory glint in her eyes, the irresistible flush that graced the apples of her cheeks and spread all the way down her neck and over her collar bone.

He remembered how the hot temperature of the water and the steam in the bathroom left a thin sheen of dew on her face and upper body, how errant wisps of her pastel hair laid slick on the side of her neck, while droplets of water slowly meandered between the valley of her round, buoyant breasts as her sure hand deftly worked his -

 _Shit_.  He turned the shower knob sharply to the left to draw cold water from the spray.  A hard on was the last thing he wanted to deal with when he was missing Sakura so badly and also happened to be in the company of the two most obnoxious douchebags in the village.

Kami, it had been nearly three weeks since that last, passionate night with his girlfriend, and he was sick of being without her.  And it wasn't just the sex, either.  He missed her company, her sharp wit, her cheeky and irreverent sense of humor, her stories, her brilliant smiles, just…  _everything_.

Some days Sasuke wondered if perhaps it was Sakura's chakra nature that made her such a natural fit for him. Maybe it was her water affinity that made her so proficient in soothing the heated temperament that came with his own fire release nature…

He really wasn't sure, but what he  _did_  know was – that he wanted to  _be_  with Sakura.  He missed her proximity, he wanted to feel the gentle weight of her body against his own as she walked beside him; he wanted to lose himself in her emerald eyes and be lulled by the sweet sound of her voice, and revel in her exclusive company, without the hassle and aggravation of others trying to vie for her attention.

_Like that petulant asshole, Madara._

The mere thought of him was nearly enough to make Sasuke's Sharingan activate.  The younger nin was still furious with the elderly menace, and outraged over his emasculating insults from the previous day - but he tried his best to view the situation as rationally as he could manage from Sakura's perspective.

As far as he knew, his girlfriend wasn't aware of the little exchange he had with that geriatric dickhead. All she knew was that her teammates inexplicably attacked her patient in his own home with their chakras masked while she was just doing her job.

Sasuke grit his teeth as he shivered under the icy spray of cold water. He knew how bad it looked, and why Sakura had been so upset. He knew he had to apologize to her – sincerely, and without further delay.

As he finally finished his cold shower and prepared to enter the men's side of the onsen, he considered when the best time would be to visit her apartment, when he saw his degenerate older cousin and idiot best friend shoving each other's shoulders at the entrance to the mixed gender hot spring.

" _No_ , Shisui-nii! Hinata-chan would be so mad if she found out!"

"C'mon, Naruto-kun. Don't be such a pussy. It's for  _medical_ reasons, what's the big deal?"

"But isn't she gonna ask why the  _mixed_  bath was better for my back than the men's-only bath?"

Shisui scowled. For as daft as their loveable jinchuuriki could be, he did have random moments of acuity that seemed to strike at the most inconvenient times.

Sasuke rolled his eyes.  That pervert Shisui didn't give two shits about his and Naruto's injuries; he just wanted to sit in a mixed onsen with a bunch of naked women.

The younger Uchiha gripped his blond teammate by the back of his neck and dragged him over to the entrance of the men's only side. "Forget Hinata. You really want to risk  _Sakura_  finding out?"

Naruto visibly paled as his blue eyes widened in fear. "Say no more, Teme!"

Sasuke scoffed at his cousin with a look of disgust and followed his best friend into the men's-only onsen pool. Shisui heaved a deep sigh in defeat and dragged his feet behind them.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"So, chibi grouch. What did Oba-chan have to say about that impressive shiner, hmm?"

Sasuke shot a glare at his cousin before crouching deeper into the onsen. "Hn. Nothing."

The younger Uchiha thought about this for a second.  When he returned home yesterday evening after that epic shit show at Madara's villa, he expected a proper lashing out from his parents… but got nothing.

His mother hadn't even mentioned the condition of his face, which was bizarre in and of itself.

In fact, it was his Nii-san who had come by his room later that night with an ice pack for him, asking if he wished to speak about it.

Sasuke shook his head in the negative, and that was it.

 _Strange…_  But whatever. He decided not to overthink it, and to just be grateful that he wasn't in more trouble with his parents for the damage he caused to Madara's home. He had more important things to deal with right now, like figuring out how to make things right with his girlfriend.

Thankfully, Shisui didn't ask any more asinine questions, and simply laid his head back on the rocks, taking a leisurely sip of sake every so often.

Even the Dobe was uncharacteristically silent, his face curling into a grimace as he let the heat from the water seep into his skin and soothe his injured muscles.  Sasuke couldn't deny that the hot water really was helping to alleviate the ache in his neck and shoulders, but like hell was he going to admit that to these goons.

The silence of the men's side of the onsen was shaken by the trill of light giggling coming from the other side of the bamboo divider where the mixed bathing pool was located.

Sasuke sat up in an instant. He knew that giggle like the back of his own hand, and strained his ears to listen more closely to whatever was going on behind that divider.

" _Mmmm… Haru, how is that?"_

" _That's perfect Madara-sama, just like that. How does it feel?"_

" _So very good, my heart… So sooooo good."_

Shaken by the sound of Sakura's all too familiar voice, Naruto and Shisui bolted upright as well, the former's whiskered cheeks flaring in indignation, while the latter immediately cupped a hand over his mouth to stifle his own giggling.

" _Actually, Madara-sama… can we stretch it out a little wider? Yes, that's it. Wider… Mmm, wider… just like that."_

" _Should I go deeper, Haru? Like this?"_

" _Yes, Madara-sama. Go as deep as you can."_

The entire exchange had Sasuke seeing  **RED** , and the young Uchiha's composure  _ **cracked.**_


	7. Main Bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obligatory Disclaimer: NARUTO AND ALL CHARACTERS RELATED TO THE NARUTO MANGA IS OWNED BY MASASHI KISHIMOTO.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

 

 

"Really, Mikoto. Are you sure about this? These incidents are getting more costly and outrageous by the day."

Fugaku's wife affectionately rolled her eyes behind his back as she lovingly helped him out of his haori and handed him a clean set of pajamas.

" _Trust me_ , Anata. It is best to just leave this be and let it run its course."

Fugaku pursed his lips in irritation. First they had to pay to repair the damage to Madara's villa, and now  _this?_  He was the Chief of Police, for Kami's sake. The last thing he wanted was to get flagged down at the end of a long day, only to be informed that his idiot younger son had ambushed the mixed bath facilities at the village onsen, terrified the other patrons, destroyed the bamboo divider between bathing pools, decimated the entrance side walls to the locker rooms and flooded the place… all to disrupt a routine hydro-therapy session little Haruno was conducting for Madara.

Sensing her husband's lingering reservations, Mikoto placed both hands on his chest and looked up at him beatifically.

"Don't be such a worry wort, Fugaku. After all, when have I ever led you astray?"

The typically austere Chief exhaled a sigh in resignation and cupped his large hands over her own.

Because frankly, she wasn't wrong.

After twenty five years of marriage, Fugaku could categorically say this:

When he listened to his soft spoken, lethal, beautiful and cunning wife… things went well. And when he  _didn't_... things went to utter  _SHIT_.

Like the time Mikoto had urged him to -  _"…have faith in Itachi. He may be a child, but he is wise beyond his years. He is our son, and if he says he can right the discrimination of our clan without bloodshed, then I will trust in his judgment… and so should you."_

And she was right. While certain factions of their clan were urging him to take a more aggressive stance - at the time, Fugaku and his wife stood firmly behind their heir.

Of course, he never imagined that twelve year old Itachi would have the unwavering support of his ANBU captain, and that together with the rest of their Black Ops squad – they would manage to bring that rat Danzou to justice by bringing his treacherous plans to steal his nephew's eyes, and alienate the Uchiha from the village through false accusations to light.

The Sandaime's objective assessment of all the evidence Itachi's ANBU squad presented, resulted in Danzou's exile and subsequent execution. Sarutobi Hiruzen's swift and transparent handling of the matter restored the clan's faith in the office of the Hokage and improved their relations with the rest of the village, bonds that had become strained with tension during the Nidaime's tenure.

Fugaku didn't even want to think about what could have happened had he not listened to his wife.

And of course, there was also the time when the elders balked at the Uzumaki brat spending so much time at the main house when Sasuke was still in the Academy. The clan council claimed that Naruto's presence in the compound and his close friendship with his youngest son would subject the clan to suspicion, especially after Danzou and his disbanded guerilla forces tried to falsely pin the Kyuubi's attack on the Uchiha.

To this day, he recalled Mikoto's clear and unequivocal resolve.

" _Nonsense, Anata. Danzou and his illegal faction has been exposed. The entire village knows that he is, and will die, a criminal. His attempts to defame our clan bears no weight._

_Besides, Naruto is just a child; it is foolish to allow the ingrained prejudices of a few to dictate who Sasuke can and cannot be friends with. And Sasuke needs this; he is too withdrawn, and clings only to Itachi. This bond will be good for him; Naruto can be the yin to his yang._

_Kushina was my dear friend… and the last thing she said to me was that she hoped the boys would be close. I owe it to her memory to make sure her baby grows up feeling love and acceptance. I will not stand in the way of Naruto and Sasuke's friendship, and neither should you_."

And that was that.

Of course, as with everything, Mikoto was right. The boys grew up training together, growing stronger together. And Team 7 had become an unstoppable force in recent years.

It was said that the last time the Kyuubi was seen wearing the Susanoo's coat of armor in battle was in Madara's day. Nobody knew exactly  _why_  the Nine Tails was willing to coordinate its tailed beast chakra with the Mangekyou Sharingan of his youngest son… But the Godaime and her advisors, including his own heir – seemed to chalk it up to Sasuke's close friendship with Naruto.

Again, Fugaku shuddered to think of what could have happened during the Akatsuki's invasion, had his youngest son and their jinchuuriki not shared this close bond.

So suffice it to say, the patriarch knew not to underestimate his shrewd wife or dismiss her sage counsel.

Still, the Chief couldn't help but think that there was an easier way to resolve all of this.

Because of course, he and Mikoto both knew full well what this was  _really_ all about.

After following his wife to their futons and tucking her securely into the comforter, he settled himself into the blankets beside her and ran a large, callused hand tiredly over his face, wondering why the hell they hadn't just pushed for a straightforward omiai in the first place.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sasuke couldn't sleep.

He sat up in bed and ran both hands through his hair in frustration, wishing he could screeeeeaaaaaaaam at the top of his lungs.

He couldn't get over his own senseless behavior, or the picture of a very confused and disheartened looking Sakura gaping at him earlier that week at the onsen.

Of course, being the total shitheads they were, Naruto and Shisui fled the scene as soon as they saw what was what, leaving him to bear the full brunt of Sakura's wrath alone.

Suffice it to say, he'd fucked up.

Majorly.

_Again._

When Sasuke mindlessly ripped through that bamboo divider, he ended up cannonballing into the mixed bathing pool only to find Sakura  _and Auntie Hitomi_  wearing identical, modest, one piece bathing suits… along with Madara, dressed in swimming trunks.

The geezer was apparently doing physical therapy exercises in warm water to help alleviate his leg pain and improve his overall mobility and range of motion.

Humiliatingly - Sasuke was, of course, stark naked and clutching onto nothing but a small white towel to cover up his…  _special stuff_.

And Sakura was  _PISSED._

But even worse, she was  _ **disappointed in him.**_

His insides curdled just thinking about their earlier exchange.

" _Sasuke-kun… WHAT ON EARTH were you thinking?!"_

" _Why is Oba-san here."_

" _Wha… - WHAT? What does that have to do with anything? Why_ _ **else**_ _would she be here?! Hitomi-san needs to observe so she can assist Madara-sama with these exercises when he's at home."_

" _Why'd you mask your chakra."_

" _Because_ _ **you're**_ _the one who warned me to always mask when I'm at the onsen so perverts and peepers wouldn't know I was here! Isn't that why you masked, too?"_

" _Hn."_

" _Sasuke-kun, that's… that's NOT a real word. I – I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but I am so SO very disappointed in you. Just look at what you've done!"_

FUCK. IT. ALL.

Why was it so hard for him to think  _rationally_  whenever Sakura was concerned? He'd heard that conversation with Madara on the other side of that bamboo divider, and realizing his girlfriend was there – he stupidly assumed they were naked in the onsen together doing… unspeakable things, and just  _blanked._

It was like a bizarre switch had flipped in his head, and Sasuke tried,  _tried,_   _ **TRIED**_ to understand  _why_ and  _how_  he'd lost his shit so badly.

And since that latest debacle, he hadn't seen hide or hair of his girlfriend… although he'd overheard snippets of conversations here and there and gossip around the compound about how she and Madara had taken walks together to pick wildflowers, how he'd been  _dancing_  with her in his private gardens, and how he'd taken to  _writing poetry_  for her, of all things.

_WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK._ Why didn't anyone else understand how weird this all was?

He couldn't find a single person who was being sensible about any of this. Even his own Kaa-san… She and Auntie Hitomi couldn't stop babbling about how 'wonderful' it was that Madara was getting out of the house; how the fresh air and Sakura's company seemed to 'soften' his sharp edges; how patient and affectionate he was as he explained the art of the tea ceremony to his precious medic; how he was so much more amenable and compliant when Sakura was caring for him…

In fact, everyone in the compound who'd ever interacted with Madara was utterly stunned by how different he was in Sakura's presence. Madara seemed  _happy._ He wasn't the cantankerous, snappish and verbally abusive pill he was so notorious for being.

He seemed more coherent than he'd been in  _decades_ , and just seemed so much more…  _alive._

WHATEVER.

Sasuke didn't care about any of that. The thought of them spending that kind of time together made him want to gouge his own eyes out. He needed to pull himself together and THINK.

Tomorrow was White Day, and the day his gift would be delivered to Sakura's office at the hospital.

Sasuke had ordered a snow white silk and lace teddy from his girlfriend's favorite lingerie retailer in the village. At least, he hoped it was her favorite. His razor sharp vision had noticed, on more than one occasion, that most of her underclothing had the same discreet little gold tag from an exclusive boutique in the shopping district.

Admittedly, the piece was tiny, and somewhat scandalous – but still decidedly tasteful, and was constructed with a beautiful, handmade imported lace that he thought Sakura would like.

He hoped it wasn't too forward of him. He figured the teddy wasn't all that dissimilar to the tantalizing pieces she'd worn for him in the past, so he hoped she'd be happy with this one, too.

He had paid the boutique a premium for morning delivery, so he planned on waiting until around lunch time to head over to the hospital and personally wish Sakura a Happy White Day.

He would apologize profusely for his stupidity over the past week, and hope that she would accept his words of remorse and tell him all was forgiven. Then, maybe… she'd be open to having steamy make-up sex with him in her office?

Possibly?

_Hopefully?_

Sasuke shook his head. He was getting ahead of himself. First things first – he had to apologize, and try to come up with some not insane explanation for his nutass behavior as of late.

The young Uchiha heaved a deep sigh, and hoped to Kami that this plan would finally set things right.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Cripes, Forehead. Did you really give all these fools chocolates?"

Ino looked around in disbelief as she looked for a place to put the latest floral arrangement she'd delivered to Sakura's office. "I mean, not that I'm complaining. The White Day orders that come in for you alone probably offsets our losses for the rest of the  _year._ "

Sakura gave the saucy blond a dry look. "Don't exaggerate, Pig. And before you run off starting rumors, NO. I didn't give all of these people chocolates. I think most of them are current or former patients who just wanted to say thank you for treating them, you know?"

Ino flipped her perfectly styled ponytail dismissively. "Sure sure. What about that grouchy, prosaic ape of yours. What did he get you this year?"

Sakura narrowed her eyes at the insult and huffed, but slumped down in her desk chair all the same. "I haven't gotten his gift yet. Although… I don't know, Ino."

Ino's cornflower blue eyes widened as she took a seat on the corner of Sakura's desk. "Don't know what?! Are you finally dumping him? I mean really, could he be any less romantic?!"

"Calm down, Pig. And stop shitting on him every chance you get. Sasuke-kun… he may not be some textbook Casanova, but he's… he's sincere and loving in his own way. Except – "

Ino pointed a finger in her best friend's face with a contemptuous smirk.

"I knew it! Nobody's gonna blame you if you kick his boring ass to the curb. Kami, when's the last time he took you out dancing, or to the movies, or on any kind of actual  _DATE_  date?"

"Shut up, Pig. I'm talking about something else. He's been… I'm worried. I just… don't know what's gotten into him lately."

"What are you talking about?"

"I mean… he ambushed me and my patient earlier this week at the onsen while I was supervising a hydrotherapy session; and before that – "

The girls were interrupted by an intercom coming in from the hospital's main reception desk.

"Haruno-sensei? We have a delivery for you. May I send the courier up to your office?"

Sakura leaned into her intercom. "Sure Minami-san, thank you."

Ino wiggled her brows suggestively, as Sakura rolled her eyes.  _Really, that Ino-Pig was so easily distracted._

Sakura answered the quiet knock on her door a few minutes later. Ino ripped the elegant white box from the delivery personnel's arms and promptly pulled the wide satin bow on top.

"Hey, Pig! That's MY gift!"

Ino stuck her tongue out, but grudgingly handed the box back over. Sakura signed for the box and politely thanked the courier before closing her office door. She carefully removed the ribbon and lifted the lid to find a mound of lightly scented tissue paper secured by a large, elegant gold sticker with an all too familiar logo.

' _La Luna Lingerie'_

"Oh hooo… look at that, Forehead!  _La Luna_ …  _niiiice_!"

The pinkette pursed her lips, but couldn't hide her excitement as she expertly removed the gold sticker and sifted through the tissue paper…

Only to find herself gaping in disbelief at the gifts she found underneath.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

When Sasuke reached the hospital, he immediately sensed his girlfriend's chakra fluctuating irregularly.

He knew she couldn't be in the middle of surgery. No matter how difficult a procedure might be, Sakura was a seasoned professional - the best of the best. Even in the throes of combat, she wasn't one to let her immaculate chakra control falter. In fact, it took a lot for her chakra to pulse erratically like this.

Ironically, she only ever got this way when she was sad, or distressed… like when she watched those ridiculous soap operas on television, or cried while reading her stupid romance novels.

_What the hell…_

As soon as he reached the floor where her office was located, he caught a glimpse of her sprinting towards the nearest elevator. They made eye contact for a split second – which is when he saw her brushing away a tear as she desperately pressed the elevator buttons to try and close the door on him as quickly as possible.

_Why was she intentionally trying to get away from him?_

Sasuke didn't know  _what_  was going on, but his confusion devolved into a sense of dread when he saw Yamanaka Ino stomping out of Sakura's office.

When the sassy blond noticed the tall, muscular Uchiha in the hallway, she pointed an accusatory finger at him with one hand, while fisting the other on her hip.

"You're a real piece of work, you know that?! What were you thinking, dumbass?!"

Sasuke blinked hard, before finding his voice. "What are you screeching about?"

"Oh please. Don't act like you don't know! I swear to Kami – would it kill you to act like a  _normal_  boyfriend for once?! And treat her to a little bit of  _romance?!_ Of all the things you could have gotten her… Of all the things you could have  _written_!"

Sasuke tried to maintain his composure, but he was finding it difficult with such a loud and nasty troll wagging her finger in his face. What the fuck was this harpy railing at him for?

He clenched his jaw and swiftly moved around her. It only took him three long strides down the hallway to reach the desired door. As soon as he stepped foot inside Sakura's office, he was assaulted with the sight of endless white flower arrangements, to his immediate aggravation.

_Fucking fanboys… Always with the flowers, and the cards, and the –_

His internal tirade was interrupted by the sight of an opened white box on Sakura's mahogany desk. He leaned over, and waded through a sea of perfumed tissue paper when he noticed a gold sticker.

_La Luna Lingerie_ … so this was it. What, did she not like it? What was the problem?

Sasuke rubbed the back of his neck as he tried to figure out what he could have possibly done wrong this time, when he noticed a small glint of  _metal_  peeking out of the corner of the box.

Curious, he picked up what looked like a chain and realized that it was snagged onto some sort of… netting.

_What?_

He picked up the mysterious chain and the netting it was attached to, and immediately felt all of the blood drain from his face.

Upon closer inspection, what he'd lifted from the box was a pair of raunchy, crotchless white fishnet stockings along with a matching cupless underwire bustier that was clearly  _several sizes too large_  for Sakura's 32C bust.

And if that wasn't bad enough – the tacky pieces came with two white tasseled  _nipple clamps_  attached to a metal  _choke chain_.

Sasuke's shaking hands stilled at the sight of an open card next to the box. The young Uchiha snatched the card from the desk and read the message with trepidation and horror.

_**Hey Baby,** _

_**You're definitely my main bitch.** _

_**xoxo, S** _

Sasuke went numb. He didn't even feel the small card slip through his fingers.

_FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK._


	8. SasuSaku Month 2019

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For those who expressed interest in finishing "Unlikely Rivals" and/or accessing my other stories, I was wondering if you'd consider the following:

Hi There,

As some of you may know, I ceased posting my writing on public platforms.

However, I have gotten a fair number of direct messages/comments from folks who expressed a desire in finishing _Unlikely Rivals_.

As I mentioned before, _Unlikely Rivals_ is finished - along with two separate nsfw one-shots that take place in the same _Guilty_ and _Unlikely Rivals_ universe.

I think I’ve been pretty crystal clear as to how one can gain access to the rest of my writing 100% free of charge, so I’m not going to continue beating a dead horse by repeating myself here.

**But, I did want to offer this to anyone who might possibly be interested:**

 

**_For SasuSaku month 2019 - _ **

Access will be granted to all of my writing to date (which includes the rest of _Unlikely Rivals_ , the nsfw one-shots that take place in the _Guilty/Unlikely Rivals_ universe, as well as a complete 17 chapter (plus prologue and epilogue) SasuSaku fic that takes place in a 1940’s post-war modern AU) for the month of July 2019 **in exchange for a Ko-fi contribution and/or a paid commission to any one of the hugely talented content creators we all know and love below (in no particular order)**:

 

**(i) Kuriquinn**

[https://ko-fi.com/A1621PPU](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fko-fi.com%2FA1621PPU&t=Y2VhMzI0OWZhMTlhNDcyY2FkNjljMmY1OWU3ZDE2YzU2Y2NkMDM1OSx2UTNSbnIzVw%3D%3D&b=t%3AHqZN1UGZ5RIru1lKE5ibwg&p=https%3A%2F%2Fbirkastan2018.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F185657778276%2Fpain-somnia-aka-chronicallychill-on-ffnet-and&m=1)

 

**(ii) Pain-somnia  (aka[ChronicallyChill](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fu%2F8981471%2FChronicallyChill&t=NmNiYjI1OTE1OWUwNGQ2NGVlM2ViZWQ5MWE0YjM3YjBjYjg5MTA4Myx2UTNSbnIzVw%3D%3D&b=t%3AHqZN1UGZ5RIru1lKE5ibwg&p=https%3A%2F%2Fbirkastan2018.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F185657778276%2Fpain-somnia-aka-chronicallychill-on-ffnet-and&m=1) on ff.net and [tomaday](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Farchiveofourown.org%2Fusers%2Ftomaday%2Fpseuds%2Ftomaday&t=ZWI5M2I5ZTVjZTg4NWVmZTI2YmQxNDgxYTJiMzQ5NWUyZTAyZjEzMCx2UTNSbnIzVw%3D%3D&b=t%3AHqZN1UGZ5RIru1lKE5ibwg&p=https%3A%2F%2Fbirkastan2018.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F185657778276%2Fpain-somnia-aka-chronicallychill-on-ffnet-and&m=1) on AO3)**

[https://ko-fi.com/X8X49SFP//](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fko-fi.com%2FX8X49SFP%2F%2F&t=ZTJmOTE0NjgxMWM3Y2JjNGJjOGYyODFkYjY4OTVkNDE2MjQ5OTYxYSx2UTNSbnIzVw%3D%3D&b=t%3AHqZN1UGZ5RIru1lKE5ibwg&p=https%3A%2F%2Fbirkastan2018.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F185657778276%2Fpain-somnia-aka-chronicallychill-on-ffnet-and&m=1)

 

**(iii) Uchiharvno  (aka[sins with tragedies](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.fanfiction.net%2Fu%2F6636654%2Fsins-with-tragedies&t=YTJkYTQ0MjJmYzJiOTgxOTJhYzFlNzQyY2I4MTQzNGIyNWE3YTFjNSx2UTNSbnIzVw%3D%3D&b=t%3AHqZN1UGZ5RIru1lKE5ibwg&p=https%3A%2F%2Fbirkastan2018.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F185657778276%2Fpain-somnia-aka-chronicallychill-on-ffnet-and&m=1) on  ff.net)**

[https://ko-fi.com/K3K5RUQU#](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fko-fi.com%2FK3K5RUQU%23&t=Yjk1YWM4ZGRjZGIwZmQ1ZmZhNTI2M2U4MWNkOGIxMTUzODJhY2EyNix2UTNSbnIzVw%3D%3D&b=t%3AHqZN1UGZ5RIru1lKE5ibwg&p=https%3A%2F%2Fbirkastan2018.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F185657778276%2Fpain-somnia-aka-chronicallychill-on-ffnet-and&m=1)

 

**(iv) alienwritesstuff  (aka[Alien-Writes](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Farchiveofourown.org%2Fusers%2FAlien_Writes%2Fpseuds%2FAlien_Writes%2Fworks%3Ffandom_id%3D13999&t=NzVjMGE1ODc4ZTg0NjJkOTQ4N2QzYjc4ODliMmU4MjU1NTE5YTgyOCx2UTNSbnIzVw%3D%3D&b=t%3AHqZN1UGZ5RIru1lKE5ibwg&p=https%3A%2F%2Fbirkastan2018.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F185657778276%2Fpain-somnia-aka-chronicallychill-on-ffnet-and&m=1) on  ff.net and ** **[Alien_Writes](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Farchiveofourown.org%2Fusers%2FAlien_Writes%2Fpseuds%2FAlien_Writes%2Fworks%3Ffandom_id%3D13999&t=NzVjMGE1ODc4ZTg0NjJkOTQ4N2QzYjc4ODliMmU4MjU1NTE5YTgyOCx2UTNSbnIzVw%3D%3D&b=t%3AHqZN1UGZ5RIru1lKE5ibwg&p=https%3A%2F%2Fbirkastan2018.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F185657778276%2Fpain-somnia-aka-chronicallychill-on-ffnet-and&m=1) ** **on AO3)**

[https://ko-fi.com/alienwrites](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fko-fi.com%2Falienwrites&t=MTA2Nzc4OGVjMzE1ODRkZTIxZWU4YWU2NjE1Njc0ZjE4NTVmOTcxNSx2UTNSbnIzVw%3D%3D&b=t%3AHqZN1UGZ5RIru1lKE5ibwg&p=https%3A%2F%2Fbirkastan2018.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F185657778276%2Fpain-somnia-aka-chronicallychill-on-ffnet-and&m=1)

**(v) Auberghynart**

<https://auberghynart.tumblr.com/>

**(vi) Smartchocobear**

[https://ko-fi.com/N4N77EVU#](https://ko-fi.com/N4N77EVU)

**(vii) Shittilydrawing**

[https://ko-fi.com/A7283W66](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fko-fi.com%2FA7283W66&t=ZjhmN2I3NjY0ZDVjZGZjYTlmZGIwMTBhZmY3ODVhZDlmYzgzODg4Yyx2UTNSbnIzVw%3D%3D&b=t%3AHqZN1UGZ5RIru1lKE5ibwg&p=https%3A%2F%2Fbirkastan2018.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F185657778276%2Fpain-somnia-aka-chronicallychill-on-ffnet-and&m=1)

 

**(viii) Sloaners**

[https://ko-fi.com/sloaners](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fko-fi.com%2Fsloaners&t=ODhlNTQ5NjNkZTBlZGE3ODE4OTM1YTIwOWFmYWM2OWU2NmM5ODRmOSx2UTNSbnIzVw%3D%3D&b=t%3AHqZN1UGZ5RIru1lKE5ibwg&p=https%3A%2F%2Fbirkastan2018.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F185657778276%2Fpain-somnia-aka-chronicallychill-on-ffnet-and&m=1)

 

Taking my writing off public forums was never about me.  Frankly, I don't matter, but the prolific content creators above are a different story.

To me, they are part of the backbone of the fandom I enjoy so much.  _**And how crappy would things be if they weren't able to continue creating and/or sharing their work with us?**_

Who knows if this will be fruitful at all. But I figured, since SasuSaku month is coming up - wouldn’t hurt to give it a try 🤷🏻♀️

 

So, for anyone who's interested: 

_**Between now and June 30th**_ , forward the proof of payment for your contribution and/or commission to 

Birkastan2018@gmail.com

and we'll get you a user name/password to access all of my writing to date **for SasuSaku month 2019 (from July 1, 2019 – July 31, 2019).**

**P.S.** For any belligerent anons who are gearing up to cause a stink, allow me to make two things abundantly clear:

(1) I am not associated in any way whatsoever with any of the content creators listed above. I am just a huge fan of their stories and art, plain and simple.  Nobody ever asked me to promote their work, period. I just want to see talented and prolific content creators getting the support and acknowledgement they deserve.

(2) No, this isn't some half-baked shady kick-back scheme where I somehow magically collect any part of the contributions you make. This is purely an effort to try and encourage contributions to content creators whose work I admire.

I'm sure any amount that is contributed to these prolific creators would go a long way in showing them that their amazing work product is valued.

Thanks for your time, and feel free to email me or shoot me a message on tumblr (@Birkastan2018) if you have questions 😊

 


End file.
